Agony! Agony!

February 18, 2010, a day that shall live in infamy!
You know what, my humans went out and were adopted by another C-A-T; you heard me right: a CAT and it’s an ugly one to boot. They call her Bailey, I call her Funny Face. Funny Face Bailey has one blue eye and one green eye. I ask you, really, can one get any stranger than that? I attach a mug shot of the creature and you’ll be the judge. We were so happy together. Why oh why did they have to bring that beast home? I had my humans so well trained. A little meow here and a meowwwww there, and I would get whatever I fancied. Now I have to start all over again and, worse, share the benefits of my educating two humans with an unwelcome intruder. I gave them a piece of my mind, you betcha (as Sarah, what’s her name, would say)! I purred, hissed, growled and chased the beast around the place. If I only catch her I’ll put this sticker  on her tail or better still, maybe I’ll introduce her to my friend, Ali (Gator). I got to go, Funny Face Bailey is getting close to my bowl and I will not have any of that! Chargeeeeeeee!

Olivia (Miss)

Funny Face Bailey

Calumny!

Jacksonville, January 12, 2010

A so-called friend from Luxembourg, Europe sent the malicious cartoon following to my human. Of course, he thought that it was very funny.... I don't think so! That's not me, I am sweet. I am considering legal action against everybody viewing it .... as soon as I find a fat cat lawyer!

Olivia (Miss)

Greetings from Luxembourg

Luxembourg, January 7, 2010

Dear Olivia,

First of all I wish you a Happy New Year!
I know that I promised you last October to write a letter, but you know…time passes so quickly…
But I regularly read your blog (in fact ‘Mama’ (the Luxemburgish word for mummy), my human mum reads it and then gives me the news … Really very nice and funny….
I think that you do really stupid things like eating ornaments off the cat's tree. I never did that. I am a nice and good boy. (Maybe Mama doesn’t have the same opinion ….)
Did your humans make Christmas decoration? My Mama did, and she explained to me that I was not permitted to touch. I am well educated and I mind. But you know same procedure as every year …. I exactly knew that not touching would bring me two gifts. ;-)
One gift I got on the 6th of December, Kleeseschersdâg (St. Nick's Day in English). On that day good children get gifts here in Luxembourg and my Mama always says that I am her only child ;-). The second gift, I received on Christmas Day. Mmmmhhhhh …..my presents were very yummy. What about your Christmas presents?
I know that it’s difficult for you to understand your humans, because your human mum speaks English and your human dad sometimes Luxembourgish, you really need some Luxembourgish lessons. Maybe we are able to chat one day and then I will explain you the main words… that will be very funny.
Today it’s snowing outside and it’s very cold. In winter I don’t often go out. My Mama says that it’s better to do so, not to catch a cold. And I hate to go and see the doctor. Thank God, my best friend Olaf (a British shorthair cat) from the 3rd floor comes to visit me regularly, so it’s not so boring. Yesterday morning he woke me up at 7 o’clock and stayed with me the whole day long. Then we play a lot, such as catching and so on.
It’s nearly noon now here in Luxembourg and I’m very hungry….so I leave you for today.

A big Mmmrrraaouu......
Poli
Your friend from Luxembourg.

An Amazing Place

Jacksonville, January 5, 2010

Dear Feline Friends near and far,

I just have to share my experiences in this crazy place!

For one thing, have you ever seen a tree in a box? That’s what my humans came up with recently. They brought this huge box out of storage, and after some doings and a few choice words, which I shall not repeat here, ta ta and voilà! they actually built a tree. Amazing! Then they proceeded to hang all kind of shiny ornaments (ornaments, that’s what they call the funny stuff they hung on the tree). I had, of course, to taste some of that…. and oh boy …. was I sick! I definitely do not recommend tinsel for breakfast, lunch, dinner or even for a snack! That stuff is nasty. Anyhow, I am fine now and I learned one more lesson: stuff that sparkles is not edible.

Another funny thing I can’t fathom happens every day. Picture this: a glass-enclosed, small room, maybe 2 x 4 feet, with a spigot showering barrels of hot water and you know what: they go and stand under it…. Crazy or what?

Then every evening my male human gets all lovey-dovey, usually after dinner. Maybe it’s the glass of wine he has with dinner. I call that my agony time. He catches me and hugs and pats me, but I am not that kind of girl! I endure it, but I don’t have to like it!
Anyway, I guess I have to make the best of it and tolerate these humans and their eccentricities.

Tata for now,

Olivia (Miss)

Happy New Year!

Jacksonville, December 29, 2009

Dear feline friends near and far!

This is Olivia (Miss). How are you? I am fine and like to introduce you to my new friends. Friends, so to speak, because my humans don’t let me play with them. I do not know why; I am allowed to see them only from afar….. that’s not fair!

First up is Ali. Ali likes to sunbathe…. He comes out when it’s sunny and warm. His full name is Ali Gator. He’s cute, isn’t he?

Then there is Arm. Do you see him in the grass? He looks like a tank…. His full name is Arm Adillo. He’s always scurrying around… he’s not too friendly, but I like him anyhow.

That’s Egi you see in the distance. Egi likes to fish. His real name is Egret, but I like to call him Egi, so there!

Here’s a close up of Egi. Isn’t Egi pretty? And Egi flies too! Amazing!

Well, that's all... I have a few other friends, but let's not talk about those critters... when they visit I like to chase them and bite their tails off .... so those Liz (Ards) don't visit very often any more, needless to say.

Tata for now and let me hear from you.

Olivia (Miss)
_____________________________________

Letter to Zorro, a feline and neighbor

Jacksonville, October 29, 2009

Dear Neighbor,

How are you?

I heard through the grapevine that you are a fine black feline who happens to own two humans too.

My name is Olivia (Miss). I moved in above you about five weeks ago. I do like it here. I have my humans almost trained, especially the female human. Some times, as a test, I just mosey leisurely towards the (closed) door, and wouldn’t you know it, before I reach it, she jumps up and opens it for me. Good girl!

I still need to work on the male human though, he is not so gullible ……. yet! The only problem I have with the female human is that she wants to play all the time…. a feathered wand is her favorite toy; she persistently dangles it in front of my face. I humor her and pretend to have fun batting at it. When will she finally grow up! I am just a little cat! Mind you, I have already gained two pounds since I got here. It must be the fresh air.

Anyhow, I wanted to say hi and to let you know that I have arrived.

Take care of your humans.

Tata for now,

Olivia (Miss)

Letter to Poli, a feline from Luxembourg, Europe

Jacksonville, October 6, 2009

Dear Poli,

This little note to let you know that I am still alive and well. I am even gaining weight (need to watch it!). I think I like it here! My humans are OK and we communicate well. In a few weeks I'll have them fully trained.
I am excited to learn a new language (one of my humans is a foreigner!). Here are some of the expressions I already master:
Domm Katz = Pretty Kitty.
Bleiw do ewech! = Continue what you are doing!
Komm hei! = Go away!
Gei mir vum Leiw! = Come here!
Being a native, I am sure you know all those expressions and act accordingly. Anyhow, just wanted to let you know that I am doing just fine!
Take care of your human,

Bye for now,

Olivia (Miss)

(Note: As all cats Olivia developed her own understanding of languages …. A human would equate the spoken words as follows: domm Katz = stupid cat – bleiw do ewech = get away from there – komm hei = come here – gei mir vum Leiw = get away from me …. But that’s not what felines hear!)

Letter from Bogey, a feline from St. Simons Island, Georgia

Dear Miss Olivia,

I, too, own a couple of humans that just happen to be friends of your new “adopted” humans. I am named for a famous movie star: Monsieur Humphrey Bogart, but they just call me Bogey for short. I think I am a little bigger than you and a little older and wiser, but I am a pretty sight (grey and white long hair) for a male. I know we would look good together. I know the man extremely well. I met him the day my humans brought me home. He was so nice and played with me all night. I heard he was instrumental in my getting an interview before I adopted them. He is a foreigner, but a nice one, not one of those terrorist. (But he is a Democrat). She even got used to me and played a bit. Even though they moved to Jacksonville, I still remember them and am always so happy and excited when they come to visit.

Don’t be too distressed over a one-story flat. I also live in a one story domicile. It is easy to run around from place to place. Dressers and beds can be fun to hide under….no one can easily get you out if you are pouting. And I know that you have a screen porch like I do. That can be fun to see what is available in case you can ever get outside to hunt. It might be pretty difficult for you to do. If not, your humans can provide you with some play toys to hunt. They are well-trained and know what to do. Other fine felines have previously adopted them.

I am very happy to hear from you and we will stay in touch and share any “tricks” our humans might not know. I don’t think you have to worry about being a “stir-fry”. They like swimmers, better.

My best regards for now,

Humphrey Bogart, Esq.

Just out of the orphanage!

Jacksonville, September 24, 2009

Dear Friends,

My name is Olivia (Miss Olivia). I am a black, 7-pounder, sleek feline lady (felis catus), with big green eyes. Yesterday, while minding my own business in my tiny 2-story penthouse condominium at the JAHUSO (Jacksonville Humane Society) Hotel, two ladies unceremoniously tried to catch me. No way José! Then HE came, he’s a good ear-scratchier, so I surrendered. He has a strange name. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was not a non-voting foreigner in our country! I think I even purred. Anyway, to make a long story short I decided to adopt those two individuals of the human species. They took me home in a Cadillac! Their place though was a let-down, after the Cadillac ride, I had expected a mansion, but no, all’s on one floor. No stairs to run up and down.

They told me stories about a Monsieur Gene and a Miss Kitty, I take it those were the previous owners of my humans. I couldn’t find out what happened to them…. Maybe they ate them. You never know with humans! Take me, I was so cute, tender and lovingly, still the previous humans I owned dropped me off at the pound like a broken toy. So for a while I just sit under the dresser in the so-called guest bedroom and survey the situation. The female human seems nice though. She looks like she has a comfortable lap to curl up on. I’ll give it another day or two.

Just one last piece of advice, should my humans invite you over for dinner, and you don’t see me under the dresser or anywhere else in the place: eat only the vegetables!

I attach a glamour shot of myself so that you can give the police a description should I end up in a stir-fry!

Tata for now!

Olivia (Miss)